Advent Preparation

Personal prayer is the meeting place between the Eternal One and me; the Blessed Sacrament is the visible sign of my covenant with him. 

That is why I believe in personal prayer, and why everyday I wait to meet him in the Eucharist.  To pray means to wait for the God who comes.

Every prayer-filled day sees a meeting with the God who comes; every night which we faithfully put at his disposal is full of his presence. 

And his coming and his presence are not only the result of our waiting or a prize for our efforts: they are his decision, based on his love freely poured out.

His coming is bound to his promise, not to our works or virtue.  We have not earned the meeting with God because we have served him faithfully in our brethren, or because we have heaped up such a pile of virtue as to shine before heaven.

God is thrust onward by his love, not attracted by our beauty.  He comes even in moments when we have done everything wrong, when we have done nothing...when we have sinned.

The God Who Comes by Carlo Carretto

30

It's the big 3-0 and you know what, it's not such a big deal after all.  It's funny the way things seem to build up to a moment where you think your life will change in some dramatic way, then you get there and everything still feels the same.
Craig and his mom surprised me for my birthday and flew my momma and baby sister to me in Sacramento.  I was totally surprised and needed them here more than I even knew.  It was such a good time and God revealed a few good things to me. 

1.  My mom loves Him and can hear Him, so stop being so prideful Mud.
2.  She understands way more English than we think.
3.  Jennifer is His.
4. My mom is His.
5. He is revealing His heart to them, so just rest.
6. Peacemaker
7. Love and kindness go so so far.

My mom totally baffled me after church on Sunday.  We sat around the table, eating dinner and she stopped Jenn as she was preparing to start fighting or something and said, as clear as I could have, "Jennifer, Peacemaker."  WHAT?!  The pastor has been going through the Beatitudes in church and I wasn't sure what to expect from either my mom or Jenn as a reaction, but this was furthest from what I could have imagined. 
We laughed about this and later, as we drove, Jenn also mentioned another thing the pastor said that day, with absolutely no prompting from me.  We ended the trip talking about some good ole' heavy stuff as we drove them to the airport and my mom gave Craig and I the best advice "Just be loving and caring."- It was that simple.  No, my mother wasn't claiming to have done that all the time, but her words fell like fresh rain on my tired, dry, and thirsty heart.

Thank you Father, for speaking to us even when we aren't listening.  Thank you for never giving up on us and for falling like rain over our dry and thirsty hearts.

Amen


A link to a beautiful song Winter Snow by Audrey Assad

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=380527494647

My fears

Isaiah 9:11-17
I am not sure if this is generally an issue with women, not that men are immune, but I know many who struggle with anxiety, myself included. These verses seemed to speak specifically to me, perhaps also to you?

11. The Lord spoke to me with his strong
hand upon me, warning me not to follow the
way of this people.  He said:

12. Do not call conspiracy

everything that these people call

conspiracy;

don not fear what they fear,

and do not dread it.

13. The Lord Almighty is the one you are to 

regard as holy,

he is the one you are to fear,

he is the one you are to dread,

14. and he will be a sanctuary;

but for both houses of Israel he will 

be

a stone that causes men to stumble

and a rock that makes them fall.

And for the people of Jerusalem he will 

be

a trap and a snare.

15 many of them will stumble;

they will fall and be broken,

they will be snared and captured."

16.  Bind up the testimony

and seal up the law among my

disciples.

17 I will wait for the Lord,

who is hiding his face from the house

of Jacob.

I will put my trust in him.

So, I fear.  But why?  I have horrible nightmares that keep me in my bed trembling, that make me afraid to ask God for help, that make me afraid that He WILL keep me safe.  

I John 4:13-18

We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us the Spirit. 14.  And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world.  15. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God.16.  And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love.  Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.  17. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him.  18.  There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love.


I freak out because we don't have an income.  I freak out because I sometimes want to start a family, but feel we are in no place to do so.  I freak out because I fear Craig might not always love me.  I freak out thinking about my family, their hearts, their lives, and their future. How futile is that?

Lord teach me to take deep breaths.  To breathe in your Spirit and breathe out my fear.   How could I possibly care for the widow and the orphan when I am so stuck worrying about myself and meaningless things. Help me Father.  Give me ears to hear your words and not the lies and "conspiracies" of this world.  The truth is, you are near.  The truth is, you love me.  The truth is, you are bigger and mightier than my fears.  Amen.

Thoughts on Isaiah

Confession: Not sure if I have ever read the book all the way through.
I have thought about blogging for some time, but have waited for ... actually I am not quite sure what I have been waiting for except I DO feel the need to write something intelligent- I've given up on that and so now it's just my own rambles; intelligent or not.  I am not sure how consistent this blogging business will be, seeing as my time is pretty occupied taking 15 units about a bunch of stuff I know nothing about.


So, back to Isaiah.  Something that has been recently brought to my attention is SIN.  Not in the way you or I are used to hearing or seeing or talking about sin. 
Isaiah 1:16 says

"wash and make yourselves clean.  

Take your evil deeds 

out of my sight! 

Stop doing wrong,

learn to do right!

Seek justice,

encourage the oppressed.

Defend the cause of the fatherless, 

plead the case of the widow. 

John 15:3-4 says:

You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you.

4 Remain in me, and I will remain in you.

I am beginning to really wonder about this SIN.  Is it possible to really remain,or abide in Him?  If so how is this done?  I have recently completed a short study on the idea of abiding in Christ.  By no means have I even begun to tap into the truth or reality of an ABIDING relationship with God, but I believe I am at the very least, embarking on some research in the area.  I know in my own life there have been seasons where I become almost OBSESSED with my sin.  Not with sinning, but with the fact that I either had or was in a perpetual state of sinning, claiming everyday that I would do better the next.  Right now, I feel that that was such a waste of time.  I am not saying that we ought not be CONVICTED and feel sorry for sinning, but I wonder about my own obsession with it, having it devour and consume me to the point that I am UNABLE to hear the call in Isaiah to simply stop doing wrong, start doing right, and love on God's beloved. According to John, if I remain in HIM, I AM clean.  Now, onto the remaining thing... how about we take this just one step at a time.

The truth is, I want to experience Christs' love EVERYDAY.  I want to be used by Him, everyday.  I know that my heart is not always in the right place, but why?  Why do I choose to take up new idols in my life that cause me to lose sight of the goal?

I stumbled upon a jewel in the used bookstore.

Here is a poem from Walter Wangerin Jr.

"Earth, Fire, Water, Air"

                            I

This clay

This standing, two-legged heap of earth,

Bone-dust, blood-dust, a brain-pan full of synaptic dust,

Dirt, grinning,

Soil furrowed across the forehead, and down the cheeks

  gouged with tears,

This lumpish, pumping heart,

This body, 

Mine, 

This me-O my God, what are we going to do with it?

  It grows delta-like, the little silt on swell to continents

    at the mouth

    of the rivers, 

      and I hate it;

Like the mountains rock-slides a little stone untriggers it,

   and it comes rumbling down

    pounding towns and faces, people, places under it-

    for anger, lust

      and I hate it;

Or like desertial sand storms, whip-stinging,

it flings criticism in the eyes of the others,

lashes their hearts, their skins and all their deeds

till they lose their way and bow their heads 

humiliated

before such! proud! fury!

      and I hate it!

Then what are we going to do with it?

                                 II

Burn it, father.

Burn it, O my God.

Drive fire all through my being

And let no vein not know the caustic shot of cleansing:

    Let lightning dazzle back behind my eyes

    My foul tongue, fry it;

    Scorch the whole interior,

        until the tears are bubbling boil

        and lust and anger soften, pride unpeels,

        and I am char,

        and i am hollowed of myself,

        am nothing, nothing

            but cinder at white-heat.

                                  III

Then, in that same instant,

Drop me, O my Jesus, in the water.

What a hissing!

What a popping and whistling!

What a jubilation there will be among the angels

    When heat hits cold

    And dry is drowned in wet:

    Hate shivers to death,

    And the clay's made hard in such a sudden washing

      shaped in a shape not my own, but yours--

      and so shall I swim,

      and so shall I float at perfect ease in thine amnion--

    But not forever.

                                IV

For then shall come the exaltation.

You, O Holy Spirit, shall be a whirlwind

Snatch me from the water, blast me dry, and breathe on me.

    Breathe on me!

    Breathe on me, Spirit of God!

Blow in my nostrils life again,

    that out my mouth the words come peeling,

    born by thee

    for thee--

Ho! I shall cry upon all winds

    all breezes

    down the westerlies to every ear, cry: Him I love!

And then I will not hurt you anymore, my people,

    family, child, woman,

    I, that sometime suffocate life from you,

    mud in your mouth,

But I will be the zephyr on your cheek

    sweet evening after a vulgar day

    and husky lullaby

    and whisperings shall tangle at thine ear:

      Hush, him I love;

      Hush, Him I love.

      For so he first hushed me.